As I have gotten older I have realized that one of the most difficult moment for me was realizing that I no longer knew who I was as an individual. I have so many roles as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, lover and confidant. After so many years of going above and beyond for a lot of people I have realized that most of the roles I attained benefitted everyone else but me.
Wearing all these multiple hats caused a lot of exhaustion, frustration, pain and depression for me and in the back of my mind I knew I would reach my breaking point. I started feeling like a stranger within my own house. I had lost all that I once knew about myself because I was what everyone else wanted me to be. The successful daughter, the ride or die friend, the outstanding mother, and the submissive lover. I often failed all these roles and I was very hard on myself because I felt that failure was not an option.
I remember the exact day I realized I was an empty shell of a person. It was on my 27th birthday. I remember sitting on the couch in the dark realizing that I didn’t know who I was. I had given so many people all of me but in the end it left me depleted. After a good cried I made a decision that from that day, I would try my best to get back to taking care of myself. So far, it’s been a journey but there are several things that I am learning so far along the way.
I am learning to accept that what I have done or what others have done to me in the past is exactly that; the past. I can’t keep bringing my past into my present because it will stunt my personal growth and is a recipe for disaster. I have to accept the mistakes I’ve made and learn from them to do better in the future.
It Ain’t Nothing Cut That B#$&* Off
I have cut out a lot of toxic people out of my circle. Any person who will have a negative affect on my mental, emotional or physically well-being has received their eviction notices (Well more like no notice at all). My emotional well-being is fragile at this time and surrounding myself with toxic people is basically suicide.
Zero F*%$s To Give
I’m learning that there’s a difference between criticism and just plain hating ass opinions. Constructive criticism is fine and I welcome it but when others have nothing better to do but have an opinion on every aspect of my life is when there is a problem. I’m learning that I can’t let other’s opinions of me have too much of an impact on me. I’m can’t control what other’s think of me and it’s really not my job to care.
Single and Not Ready To Mingle
I’m learning that it is ok to be single. I should not have to be ashamed that I enjoy the single life maybe a little more than I should. Nothing is wrong with being single at all. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to not be tied down to anyone. That awesome feeling of not having to answer to anyone is just…awesome! Being single has also given me time to self-reflect and reevaluate all my past failed relationships and what I can change when I decide be in a relationship with someone.
I Am Selfish…And?
Granted I am a mother, I believe in the importance of being selfish from time to time. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, family members and friends, but they are not the center of my universe, more like extensions of me. I’m learning that I shouldn’t feel guilty about being selfish every once in awhile. I need to put myself first because how can I be a better person to others if I’m not taking care of my needs first. My needs all revolve around me being happy about myself and getting into hobbies that I find enjoyable and minimizing stress and avoiding stressful situations as much as possible.
Get That Snapback!
Working on my mental well-being is great and all but if my physical well-being is not up to par with it then I’m not doing myself any good. I am adjusting my diet, cutting out most meats and incorporating more fruits and vegetables. I am also making an effort to get into some physical activity on a daily basis.
Get That Sh#@ Out
I have some internal struggles that have been festering within me for years. I’m learning that I need to stop internalizing these struggles and start to face them head on. I won’t get too specific on these struggles, but they have caused some hardships for me in the past. No more hiding, it’s time for me to be upfront and honest about myself. How can I live my life to the fullest if I’m not living within my truth
Overall, I am learning to be authentically me with no apologies. Losing myself was one of the best things to happen to me because it forced me to self-reflect and make self-care a primary focus. I have to be selfish for once in my life and take care of me because there is no turning back. The old me is mostly a distant memory and I can’t spend any more time mourning over the loss of the old me: A better version of myself has emerged and I am ready to take on this frightful yet much-needed journey to finding myself.
Have you ever had a moment in your life you felt completely lost? What have you done to find yourself?